


Curiosity Kills Cats

by Rudi_Helrazor



Category: Panic! at the Disco, The Academy Is..., The Heart Rate of a Mouse Series - Anna Green
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Anger Management, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Barely Legal, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Closet Sex, Closeted Character, Complete, Curiosity, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotions, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fever Dreams, Fights, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, Gay Sex, Good Gay Boys, Hate Sex, Love/Hate, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Masturbation, Milk, Mind Manipulation, Mistakes, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Rare Pairings, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rough Sex, Ryden, Rysky bizness, Seduction, Sharing a Bed, Shower Sex, Sisky, Smut, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Wall Sex, Work In Progress, alternate chapter, boys, brallon, closeted Sisky, giraffe, talk drink of water, the heart rate of a mouse - Freeform, throam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 14:10:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14114046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rudi_Helrazor/pseuds/Rudi_Helrazor
Summary: Based on Anna Green'sThe Heart Rate Of A MouseRyan/Sisky Alternate Scenario.1978, Sisky stalks down Ryan in his hidden East Coast home forcing his way into his life unexpectedly. Shockingly finding out about Ryan's sexual orientation and past love life, Sisky's need to reach into Ryan Ross' brain manages to get the best of him.Previously published on Wattpad.





	1. Shut Up Already

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Heart Rate Of A Mouse](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/366693) by Anna Green. 



     My hand against the wall beside his head, I lean in with a whisper. "You sure you wanna go there?" My cheek touching his, I can hear him swallow hard. 

   "I  uh... " The petrified boy trembles from his mouth. I can feel his breath on my shoulder. His hands brace himself against the wall behind him and he seems to be searching for something between our bodies. 

   Sisky manipulated his way into my home, intruded on my personal life, and rifled through my memories just to dig up anything that may lead him closer to exactly how Ryan Ross.... how I tick. 

   Tonight makes the 2nd time he has unintentionally foiled my plans to get laid. So of course, when I step into my own home and find him pacing my hallways in just his briefs, I'm going to be hard. At this point in his seemingly never-ending visit, the frustration built up inside of me is just begging to get out. I know he finds the thought of fucking a man repulsive. Just like many other's though, he is so enthralled with the idea of Ryan Ross, the rest of the world is tunnel vision. Nah, I've thought about it. He wants to know what George Ryan Ross III is like for his precious book. How I think, how I work, how I move, how I taste, how I fuck. I've thought about it, I'm not letting this one off the hook.

     His skin looks soft and bare. I inspect his body planning my next move, giving him just enough room to make his first. I feel his fingers just barely touch my chest, "Ry..." I cut him off with my hand to his throat and my mouth pressed against his before I could even think of what I was doing. He could have been leading into pushing me away, but I never gave him the opportunity to protest.  I kiss him slow waiting for some sort of sign of objection. But there isn't one. His mouth opens and I feel his tongue just as soft as I imagined all these nights it might be. My fingers tighten around his neck and feel a gasp escape amongst a moan into my mouth. His hand grabs my arm in near distress and I loosen my grip and trace his jaw with my thumb. So young and still so sharp. 

    "Is this what you want?" I whisper against his cheek, my body pressed against his. He nods fading. I take his hand and make him feel how hard I am through my pants. "Is this what you're curious about?" I press it against his body as he whines and push my fingers up through the back of his hair, fisting it, yanking his head back, revealing that precious little soft spot under his chin. My lips make their way there leaving a trail of wet kisses and bites. I catch his hazy gaze and choose to hang on it. Pressing my forehead to his, I just want to watch the disappointment consume his eyes. I slide my hand down his tight stomach, following all the lines until I feel him through the cotton shield of embarrassment.  "You sure are fucking quiet now aren't you" Rock solid. I smirk. "FUCK" He moans and squirms against me. This is my revenge, for the chain, for sifting through my house of memories. 

  "Ryan..." he whines, eyes weak. His hands fall to my belt and he starts unfastening my pants quickly fumbling.  I regain control. "NO!" I push him into the wall. Sliding my finger down his stomach zig-zagging across the valleys and his navel, I slowly drag the band of his underwear with me. First one hip then the other until he snaps free vulnerable and exposed. I stroke it a few times just to get a feel for his size. _He's not Brendon_. That doesn't matter anyhow. That's not what I want from him. 

   Sisky looks at me anxiously awaiting my next move. I point to the floor silent and his head tilts confused. "Kneeeees." I hiss and he complies. He's trembling again.  _Good_. He looks at my feet with a pout like he knows what's about to happen next and he's not quite sure if he's ready. I caress his cheek and lift his chin to look at me with those puppy dog eyes. I slip my thumb into his mouth and he instantly starts to suck, eyes still locked on mine. "Good Boy!" I smile. I seem to have underestimated him. He knows exactly what he's doing. I force his mouth open and run my thumb around his lips wetting them to see them glisten and to see just how much I can fit in that gaping hole that never seems to stop. 

  I finish unbuttoning my pants and grip the mess of hair on the top of his head. His eyes focus on my pelvis then shoot back to my face. I raise my eyebrows to go ahead. He grabs my pants and works them down. A little in the front then more in the back as they slide down over my ass then back to the front as I pop free. He swallows hard again looking at me pleading. I nod for confirmation. With the least bit of grace possible, he wraps his soft hands around it, holding it for a minute possibly psyching himself up to go through with it. I take his wrists and move both hands to my thighs. "You won't need those." 

   "But I ..." He seemed puzzled but I shook my head and grabbed his hair with one hand and myself in the other. I eased him into it. I'm not trying to lose my cock tonight. Anyhow this isn't entirely a revenge plot, but I'm also looking at it as a learning experience for him. Resting it on his tongue, I moved slowly in between those lips. God did it feel good to be touched again, by anyone. He tightened around it, lips and tongue and his cheeks fall hollow as he sucked. God yes, just what I needed. Guide his head where to go, how to twist and...  _what the hell was that he did with his tongue?_ I glare at him.  _How dare he make me feel too good, too soon_. He pulled away with a pop, scared. "Was that ok did I do something wrong?" I frantically shoved my cock back in his mouth to shut him up without thinking about depth, he began to gag. I'm not sure I care anymore. I squeeze the sides of his cheeks as he sucks. I just keep slamming into his mouth faster, watching his eyes water. His fingers digging into the backs of my thighs and then grabbing my ass. The sound of him gagging gives me life. Well, it gives my cock life at this moment. Saliva drips down me, down his chin.  _Fuck he looks so hot_.  _He shouldn't. I don't want him to_. I pull him off me and watch him crumple to the floor underwear around his ankles, hard-on pressed against his leg, lips swollen and soaked, innocence long gone. 

   I'm still half cocked and need the release and just standing here, staring at him is getting me nowhere on this front.  _FUCK_. "C'mere." I reach down to help him up by his arm. I realize we've been sweating and my hand slides right to his wrist. I instantly grab his other pushing him back against the wall. His slender arms crossed above his head. His eyes so empty and pathetic. "What did you really expect to happen here?" I move in closer. "Did you expect to feel some kind of change? Maybe we could be a thing? You'd go gay for Ryan Ross?" His head falls and eyes close. I hold his wrists tighter feeling him writhe inside my hands. I push my body against his. I don't even recall feeling hair like most of the men I know. "What was your plan BOY?" His eyes open looking directly at mine. 

   "Fuck me," he whispered quietly. What?! Haven't I scared him straight? "FUCK ME PLEASE!" He cried dropping his head again defeated. I quickly lift his head with my hand around his throat just enough to lead, as my mouth crashes into his. My tongue fighting his. My fingers tracing his jaw yet still around his neck. I start walking us to my room, not breaking the hold on his mouth. Moving desperately. I lay him down letting him catch his breath. His lanky body laying there sweating like somehow I haven't been the one doing all the work. His cock hard against his stomach, the faintest trail of hair to his navel. My last chance to turn and run from this mistake... but instead, I run my hands up his stomach, his chest, fingers dancing over his nipples, and I watch his head fall back and he bites his lip. I find myself kissing and nibbling his chest, across his collarbone. My finger draws the line from the hollow up his neck before I sink my teeth into the tender space beneath his jaw. My teeth grazing their way to his ear. I can feel him moan and shudder beneath me. 

   "Do you want this?" I whisper, grinding into him. He surprises me, grabbing my ass, pulling me tighter to him.  _NO_. I get up and turn him over handing him the pillow from the top of the bed. "You'll need this. If this is what you want? We do it my way." I squeeze his hips and pull them towards me till he's on his knees. Sisky's ass is pale and small, almost too small but it'll do. He looks back at me, I try not to notice. I rub it down, squeeze and smack it. I spread him, spitting and watch it slide down over his hole. Feel him quiver.  Rub it around with my finger. Not sure what the noises he's making are, but it is extremely unattractive and I try not to think about them. Just get off and get out. I push my finger in and finesse my way around to prep him. He twists about and whimpers. Add a little lube, another finger. I smack his ass again letting him know it's time. 

   I start nice and slow, pushing in so he can feel every inch, every vein, and ripple of me. The front of him drops, "FUCK!!" he screams into the pillow, fingers twisting in the sheets. I close my eyes. I don't need to see this. In, far enough to matter, I grab his hips and pull him onto me. Speeding up, I position myself over him, my hand holding him down. Faster and harder I'm pounding. I can hear our skin slapping together but I won't look. I dig my fingers into his sides.  _FUCK_. He cries in the pillow. Nothing says stop yet. His body starts to shift and twist a little. " _Oh Fuck, what's he doing?_ He's lifted himself back up looking back at me, eyes red, face flushed. "Christ Kid, you wanna watch? Fine." He turns over, a little smile on his face. "Don't do that." and immediately he's sad again. And I let it get to me. "God Dammit." I smile and lean down to kiss him. "You know I hate you right?" I joke. The green in his eyes returns with the smile. Can I pretend for 5 more minutes? I spread his legs open to continue where I left off. He winces and I can see his pain. I throw the pillow on his face just in time for him to scream, then he's ok. I lay close. I feel almost ready. Faster and harder I wrap my hand around the back of his neck for leverage and I kiss him. Our bodies rubbing with his cock between us.  _Am I really kissing him while I come?_  I try to focus on feeling my release. He moans into my mouth.  _OH, FUCKING MOTHER FUCK!_ I feel every involuntary squirt filling him up and I wait for it to stop. I needed that.  

    I sit up, my stomach sticky. "Did you...?" I ask wiping at it. 

   "Sorry." he blushed. I laughed watching my come drip out of him as I pulled out slow. "Well, that was different."  I shoot a look at him, "Shut up, Sisky." I kiss him quick and head to the bathroom, not sure why. Out of habit maybe or that it just felt good to do. 

   "Hey, Ry..." 

   "Sisky, Stop. This isn't a thing. Don't make it a thing. Just clean up and go back to your room" I call back from behind the door.

   "Hey, Ry... " His voice now just on the other side of the door. "We don't have to talk about this in the morning." and I heard him walk away. I dropped my head back against the door relieved. "I fucking hope not." 


	2. Why Are You Still Here?!

   The sun beat in through my bedroom window. My eyes aren't even open yet and I'm squinting.  _For the love of Fuck. Why morning? Why?_ I throw the blanket over my head and slowly open my eyes letting them adjust. Focusing on the stitching of the fabric, I hold my breath to listen for the young boy cohabitating my fortress.Inwhat part of my house could he possibly be imposing on now? It's deathly quiet. Probably the only time I don't have to hear his incessant rambling, is when he's sleeping and even then, from the other room, I swear I've heard him hold a conversation with himself. Then there it is. The involuntary whine of pain. Only it seems distant and echoey. He's not in his room.  _Christ, Sisky. Now what?_ I kick my covers off in a childish fit. Sitting on the edge of the bed, face in my hands, trying not to think about what had just happened there. I push my hair back running my fingers through...  _and that needs to be brushed today for sure. Jesus when was my last haircut? Ages ago, it seems._

 _I wonder what Bre... NO! I will not think about him today._  I walked out, standing at the rail that overlooked the living room from upstairs. The small frail boy curled up on the couch below, without a blanket. I shiver at the thought.  _Why, kid?_   I make my way down the stairs, a clean t-shirt in hand with all intentions of putting it on...maybe. Staring at Sisky in the fetal position, face buried in the back of the couch, I cringe.  _What have I done to this poor boy?_  I reach over and grab the throw blanket from my armchair and drape it over him. He stirred a little clutching the blankets closer like he'd been waiting for those all night. Waiting for me to notice that he needed me to take care of him.  _NO! No Ryan. Fucking stop. The kid's gotta go._  Sitting in my armchair, I watch. I watch his body twitch, watch the way his t-shirt hugs his shoulder blades, watch the blanket slip down his hips, the dirty blonde curls dancing on his head, his pale fragile face hidden under his tan arm.    _Fuck What am I doing?_  Before I can stop myself, I'm up, leaning over him and kissing him on the forehead, hoping he doesn't wake up. 

   A shower, yea that's what I need. Wash these sins away. Scolding hot water for scolding hot sins. I look at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.  _What are you doing? That's not him. He's not here. It's over. He's gone forever. That's not him on that couch recovering. HE wouldn't need to recover._  I can see the lack of sleep around my eyes. I shake my frustration and start the shower. One last check on the kid while my water heats up. Looking over the rail, he's changed direction. The blanket has fallen to just his legs. His shirt lifted slightly letting his hip peek out from his pants.  _FUCK! What was that, Shower? You're ready for me? Yep me too._     

   Hot water rolls down my skin. I tilt my head back and let it drown my face.  _You are always fucking everything up._  I open the shampoo and pour it into my hand starting the lather in my hair.  _That's why there's no one here to tell you you're wrong. Bren would tell me I'm wrong._  I use what's dripped down my cheeks to scrub my face, softly touching my jawline.  _Bren would touch my face and tell me I'm being absurd._  I rub my neck. Not easy getting all the tension out on your own. My collarbone less defined than the time when Brendon once kissed it. My hands still moving across my skin, my nipples *sigh*, down my flat but soft stomach. I'm hard. I stroke it a little. Bren would have helped me with this. _Fuck I wish he was here to help me with this._  His hands exploring my body, my slippery skin. His hard kisses on my shoulder, my neck, my chest. His tongue around my nipples and his mouth around my cock. I grip tighter, moving faster. His beautiful full lips working magic only he can do. I can see the soft amber looking up at me now.  _FUCK I miss him._  I jerk harder, water covering my face and I can hardly catch my breath. God Bren... I look down and he looks up at me with empty hazel eyes and those shaggy dirty blonde curls....  _WAIT! FUCK NO! WAIT!_  But it's too late and I'm coming. I close my eyes and all I can see now is Sisky's face.  _FUCK_

   Finally clean and stepping out of the tub, there's a knock at the bathroom door. 

   "Hey, Ry." Sisky's voice was small and quick. I frantically wrap my towel around my waist as if he could see me. "So I was wondering...." he continued through the door. I whipped it open and grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him into the bathroom and crashing my mouth into his. His eyes wide with shock, then confusion. I let go and take a deep breath, as we both just stare at each other for a moment.  _Fuck?!_   

   "OK," I sighed. "I guess this is a thing." I touched his face and kissed him again. 

 


	3. Could You NOT

   His hands hesitated on my sides. I could tell he wasn't sure what he was allowed to do. I took his wrists and wrapped his arms around my waist like I knew he wanted to, my mouth still kissing his. I could feel his hands widen on my back and get comfortable. His tongue dances around mine as he gains a bit of confidence. I let him. My hand on the back of his neck like I'm holding his head in place. My eyes closed, I try not to think. I don't want Brendon in my head and I don't want to have to think about how I'm ruining this poor boy in front of me. This poor soft boy. Soft boy with a strong mouth. That strong mouth that never stops. A mouth that never ever stops. I feel myself giving, collapsing under his touch.  _No no no no Don't do this, Ryan._

    I stop and look at him, his face in my hands. His eyes seem to whisper to me and there's a flutter through my body. A calm I can't truly explain, but I know it happened and all I can do is stare. And I forgot. I forgot why I was here losing my mind. Every muscle in my body relaxed and I just stare.  _Those eyes._  Then I notice I had been rubbing my thumb across his cheek. The corners of his mouth start to curl up and his eyes drop. I know he's about to say something and I actually want to hear what he has to say. I lift his chin, searching for his eyes again.

   "Say it," I beg for him to open his mouth. "Please, say anything."   
   "Ryan, what's happening here?" His eyes finally meet mine. "I'm not gay."  _Well, that sounded all too familiar._  I giggle.   
   "You're just a distraction." I lied.  _A distraction from a distraction._  This is something more than nothing. I'm not sure what, but I do know that much. I kiss him hard. His hands twist around my towel, opening it and pulling me into him. _Fuck kid._  We stagger back against the bathroom door, and I'm biting his bottom lip and sucking on his tongue. My towel has fallen and Sisky's arms hold on to me for dear life,  keeping me as close as possible. I can feel him through his jeans, pressed up against me. I slide my leg between his and grind my thigh into him. Yea, he's already hard. All of a sudden his hand grabs my ass and he pulls me up against his leg. I'm beginning to like this newfound confidence. My cock twitches against his thigh. My teeth now destroying his neck, as he moans.  

    "Do you like that?" I whisper in his ear,  nibbling it. He latches onto my neck as if responding.  _OH FUCK._  I lose my footing and grab the towel rack next to him for support. He continues down my neck and across my chest. My fingers entwined in his hair. His tongue flicks at my nipple and I falter a bit before I feel his teeth. Then he's on his way again, kissing down my stomach, teeth grazing, hands wide on my back following him down. I look down at him on his knees and he looks up at me. I push the hair away from his face.  _I need to see those eyes._  That green sea that's keeping me alive right now; that is replacing the thoughts of 'him'. Sisky licks his lips slow and pulls his bottom lip in.  _Who. Who was I forgetting again?_  This sweet innocent face staring back up at me has destroyed every thought in just one night.  I caress his face with the back of my hand and my stomach twists. I close my eyes.   _UGH FUCK KID._   "Don't." I sigh.

   I pull him to his feet with my hand under his chin. A soft drawn out kiss. I  lift his shirt, touching every dip in his smooth skin. Bringing it up over his head and throwing it behind me. I trace the lines of his body with my fingers very gently; barely touching. Starting at the hollow of his collarbone, up over his shoulder and down his arm.  _How did I not notice how beautiful he was?_  And all I want is for him to save me right now. 

    I turn him around and slide my hands down his arms, taking his hands lifting them over his head and putting them on the wall in front, and I keep him there. My naked body against his back.  _My God this back._  Almost positive this kid hit puberty over night. Like getting fucked senseless made him into a man. I start kissing all the tiny muscles in his shoulder and down his back. His back ripples, as he drops his head moaning. Abandoning his hands on the wall, mine run down his soft tight sides. My lips touching the small of his back where dimples tease me. I run my fingers along the line of his pants asking for permission. He unbuttoned them with one hand. That's all I need. I tug them down just enough to squish the top of his round cheeks out, and I kiss them, slide my hand over them, sink my teeth into them as I yank his pants down completely. He never replaced the briefs we managed to make a mess of last night. I squeeze his ass and bite and kiss, and he just moans and squirms. My tongue makes its way between and I'm spreading him open. Licking and poking. I begin prepping, Getting him wet, and stretching him with my fingers. I reach up touch his back arched in.  _Well damn, kid, I didn't ķnow you could move like that._  I reach around and make sure all is hard on the homefront still. And he doesn't disappoint.  I spit on my hand and stroke myself, other hand squeezing his hip. I pull him towards me slow as I slide in. It's easier than last night but he's still tight. Really fucking tight. Once I'm fully in, and he's making ungodly noises,  I wrap my arms around him. One hand resting on his chest and the other with a slight hold on his throat.

   My motion starts slow but I can feel him crumpling beneath me. I hold him to me tight, our sweaty bodies sliding against one another as I kiss his back and shoulder.  I thrust a little faster knowing this isn't going to take long. I feel him reach for his cock but I get there first and start to jerk. 

   "Oh Fuck" he yells. I must've gotten a good angle in that time.  I try to find it again. "Jesus Fucking Christ." His knees give a little.  _Yep there it is_ , so I continue.  His elbows weaken and his forehead hits the wall. But it didn't phase him. He moans into is arm face against the wall. I use his shoulders for leverage getting in deep.  _OH FUCK ME._  I'm so ready and I grab at any part of him to try to get deeper. He's taken over stroking himself.  "Fuck, Ry, I'm gonna come."  _Me too kid_. "Do it!" I incoherently mumble. And I wait for him. His whole body tightens and my dick twitches inside him. _FUCK ME_. When he weakens, I pull out, letting myself go on his ass and back. Watching it slide down his pale skin over his ass. I spun him around, come on both our hands but I didn't care. I still touched his face and kissed him. His eyes weren't so empty anymore and the green shown through brighter.  I smiled.

   "Ryan Ross, did you just smile?" He asked giggling.   
   "Whatever." I blushed and pushed him into the shower. We washed each other off and laugh and teased and kissed. 

   I handed him some of my pajama pants so he didn't have to walk all the way to his room, and I pulled him into my bed with me, and we just lay there. I held him and I forgot.

 


	4. Where Do You Think You're Going?

   "SISKY!!!" I yell up the stairs and listen for movement.  _Nothing. Damn this kid. He is forever making my life harder._  "SISKAAA!" I sing.  _Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. I know he can hear me._  I stomp up the steps. "Adam TAYLOR Siska!!" I draw it out ending when I reach the room. "There is no way you're still sleeping. It is 1 in the afternoon." The boy grunts from under the comforter. 

   "It feels like it's 9." A muffled response I can barely make out. 

   "You're mom is on the phone."

   "Tell her, I don't wanna." He whines.  _Oh no. I am NOT going to relay THAT message. Is he insane?_ "Tell her, I'm busy." 

   "Doing what exactly?" I rip the blanket off the bed revealing the long tone body of a boy in blue briefs. He immediately bolts up trying to grab them back from me. 

   "Doing YOU." he giggles yanking me back down onto the bed with him. I smile, rolling my eyes. I'll hand it to him, he was slick. He kisses me hanging from my neck. I try to get a word in, but he just keeps pecking at my face. I peel his hands off me and sit up on my knees towering over him. 

   "GO!" I say sternly. His eyes sadden and his bottom lip juts out as he makes his way to the edge of the bed. "And stop THAT!" I lean in and bite his bottom lip. "You know what that does to me." He smiles and runs downstairs. 

   "Hey, Mom!"   _Hi, Mrs. Siska_.  "No. Everything is fine."   _Your boy is a terribly provoking guest._ "Ryan is being a great host."   _A great host indeed._  I smirk evilly.  "Yes, mom I know."   _The kid's getting plenty of protein, Mrs. Siska, I promise._ "I miss you too."   _I don't, and wish you would stop calling my secret hide out._    "I'm still not sure. I still have one more stop I need to make."    _Wait. For what? One more stop? Where? What the hell, kid?_    "I love you too, mom."    _Mrs. Siska, ask him where he's going._    He hangs up.    _She didn't ask him._    I'm now standing nearly on top of him as he spins around startled. "Jesus Christ, Ryan."

   "Where the hell do you think you're going?" His eyes shift questioning. I can only assume he needs further reiteration. "You just told your mom you had one more stop. Where are you going?" 

   "WE." he responds. I shake my head as if I've misheard him. "I've been meaning to ask you. Well, I was trying to ask you, but then... there was... the night upstairs...." he begins to trail off when he realizes how upset I look. "Ryan," he begins again. "I want to get an interview with Brendon." My fist tightens at the sound of his name and I can feel my heart start to speed up. 

   "Well, that's a ridiculous idea. Find someone else." I turn to my bar and pour myself some whiskey with my shaking hands.  _Breathe Ryan, he's just a stupid kid. He doesn't realize how bad things were with you 2._  I try not to expose him to my break down. As I take my first drink, I feel his arms wrap around me and his hands slide up my chest. My heart begins to slow and there's that touch again. 

   "Ry, I think you need to see him. You 2 should talk."   _WHAT!?_

   "How dare you!?" I spit out at him pushing him off me. My hand flailing about like there isn't a drink in it and my eyes begin to burn. "You don't know what I need. You haven't the slightest idea what Brendon and I went through. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PLAY MATCH MAKER?" I yell.

   "He wants to see you. It's in all the magazines. He's calling you out." My chest starts to tighten and all I want is for him to shut up.  _Just stop fucking talking._  I haven't thought about Brendon in a month. I've been ok. I've been fine. I had moved on. I had found my new distraction. What a fucking pick I made. I double over. I can't breathe. I can't stand. "Ryan!" Sisky sounds worried but I can't tell how close he is. I turn and throw my glass, shattering against the wall behind him. But he doesn't flinch and he's beside me catching me before I touch the ground. I'm immersed in his arms and we're shaking. My face is wet and I realize, that shaking is just me. I'm crying uncontrollably. He holds me tighter, stroking my hair, kissing the top of my head. "Shhhh. It's ok. It's ok. I'm sorry." My hand grasping his arm like he's the only thing holding me on this earth. My body relaxes and my mind becomes still and I can breathe again. I can see straight again. And all I want is Sisky's face that he has pressed against my head. 

   I lift my head and lock eyes with him. I'm lost and forgetting. His eyes are so average, but to me, they're my world. The world that is distracting me from... who? I lean in and kiss him, holding it there for a moment. Nuzzled into his chest and I let him coddle and pet me. I felt at home. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged right there. 

   "Sisky, I'm not going." I hum into his bare chest. "OK," he responds softly, hushing me.  "Sisky, I don't want you to go either." I squeeze him tighter. "Ok, Ry."   "Sisky, I don't need him." a hesitant laugh left his body. "I need you. Please don't leave me." His fingers find mine and he holds my hand. "I won't, Ryan." 


	5. We're All Choir Boys At Best

**Sisky's POV**

 

   "Hey, Ry! We're all out  of milk!" I call up the stairs forgetting quickly that he's still asleep. I could go into town and get some. It's not the day we usually did this but I could for him. For us. Us. I can't help but shudder at the thought. I mean 2 months ago I'm hunting down Ryan Ross like a rare creature in the thick of a jungle and now, well now I'm... I'm... There are lips on my neck and I can't think straight again. 

   "Hey you, why are you awake?" Ryan wraps his arms around my waist from behind, kissing my neck and shoulder. I close the barren refrigerator and lean into the kisses. His touch is intoxicating. I can't explain why my brain just switched off and I find myself seeing double, everytime. "The sun's not up yet." He whispers in my ear making me weak.  _God, he knows just what to do._  I hate this, but it feels so good. 

   "I was... was thirs...ty." I'm struggling to speak as his hands slide into my pajama pants, following my V line.  _Oh, yep there he is._  My man is ready to go.  _Damn it, Ryan._  And just as quickly, his hands are gone.  _Wait wait wait._  I turn around concerned to see Ryan walking slowly up the stairs.  _Is that a swagger? What's that look? Is he trying to seduce me? Fuck, it's working._  "But, But, I need..." Fuck it. I quickly grab a glass from the dish rack and run water into it, gulping it down as I run up the stairs.

   I stop to take in the beautiful sight before me. There he is laying there in the bed we've been sharing. Look at him pretending to sleep like he wasn't just downstairs groping me and turning me on. His silk pajama top only half buttoned, hanging just slightly over his smooth collarbone. His long brown locks framing his sharp face.  _How did I get here? What did I do to deserve this man in my life?_  He begins to stir opening his eyes towards me confused. 

    "What are you doing?" His voice is weak and rough. Nothing at all like it sounded moments ago in the kitchen. "Baby, you're kinda creeping me out." He pulls me out of my daydream. I lock eyes with him and smile, crawling back into bed.  _I could really use that glass of ... wait where's my glass?_  I search the room for a moment and realize, I've never left. Ryan was never awake and never groping me.  _Fuck, he's got a hold on me even in my dreams._

   "Hey Ry, Why am I here?" I burrow under the covers and rest my hand on his hip, following his pelvic line with my thumb under his pajamas? I stare at his face, not so much his chocolate brown eyes, but the lines around his eyes, and the creases around his lips and the subtle bit of facial hair begging to be shaved. I don't know why I want to know.  _What's the use in knowing? I'm here... and this is happening now... and this is a thing... that's happening_. I cough up a grin with my own thoughts.  

   "Because you're an intrusive little shit." He laughs, kissing my lips, smiling.  _Ryan Ross is smiling. I'm the reason he's smiling. And that's... that's why I'm here. He needs me. Ryan Ross needs ME._  "And I AM RYAN ROSS and you adore me." his long beautiful hands shoot to my sides tickling me. 

   "And YOU are an arrogant fuck. But you're not wrong." I add through my laughter. Ryan rolls on top of me, straddling my body and I stop squirming out of breath. His eyes penetrate my soul at that very moment, shifting from one side of my face to the other. I trace the muscles in his arms as he flexes keeping himself floating above me. My stomach twists when he touches my cheek. I close my eyes and lean into it. Flowers in fields and the golden sun beating down on us. The wind blowing his hair across his face; His laughter, how bright his face can be when nothing else matters... when he forgets. My hips lifting without my consent, but then again,  _how can you tell yourself no when it comes to Ryan Ross._ His lips bring me out of my trip. I'm grinding up against his ass slowly as he kisses me deep. Lips on my chin with a slight suckle.  _MMMM_. My head goes back allowing him to continue on his path down my neck and across my chest, nibbling on my nipple. His hand following him down my body. My skin crawls as his tongue draws small wet circles across my waistline. Teeth grazing my V-line. FUCK that's so good. My pants have disappeared and I can't remember how as I look down at soft brown eyes looking back up at me. My head feels clouded by pleasure and Ryan has my rock hard cock in his hand stroking it so slow.  _My God, do I want him. I need him. He needs me and I need him_. I close my eyes again to keep the room from spinning. I can feel his tongue run up my shaft then circling the tip. _Is he really about to..._ I open my eyes to witness this miracle of sexual frustration just in time to watch me disappear into his mouth.  _FUCK MY GOD._  My head flys back, I didn't even mean to. The pressure, and wet, and tongue, and  _FUCK._  He sucks harder bobbing around on it faster. His hand wrapped around the base because he definitely can't take all of me.  _Fuck I'm going to come._  And if by some sixth sense, Ryan pulls away letting me calm down, and crawls up me like a cat kissing at my ear. "I want you." My skin gets hotter and my stomach flips. "I want you inside of me Sisky." and before I know it I've got him by the hips and his hands are on my knees behind him and I'm watching him slide real slow onto my cock.  _HOLY FUCK_. I haven't been inside anything this tight... well ever.  _FUCK he feels so good, feels so soft, feels wet._  And I'm slowly sliding in and out of him. He's arched back against my legs falling back down every time I lift him up. Then he leans forward kissing me and he continues to rock his hips on me. Hands touching my jaw, looking into my eyes he whispers, "Sisky, I love you." Immediately, I'm filling him with come and he's moaning and my head is spinning as I'm yelling, "FUCK RYAN!" I shake my eyes open and stare at the empty carton of milk in my hand.

    "Hey, Ry! We're all out of milk!" 

   "Fuck Off Sisky!" Ryan yells back from upstairs. I looked around confused realizing that the overwhelming feeling of knots in my stomach were, in fact, terrifying butterflies.  _FUCK!_

 


	6. Where I Belong

** Back to Ryan's POV **

   I bolt awake, cold sweat pouring down my face and my whole body shaking. I'm not scared but my heart is racing and my chest is heavy with regret.  _What the fuck was that? That dream? So intense. So real. Who... How... Why?_ I can't breathe and my throat is a desert. I need water. I throw the covers over to the other side of the bed, hitting the body next to me. Sisky. I reach over and kiss the top of his head. Just making sure he's real. Still asleep, he stirs and smiles and his mouth moves like he's whispering. I lean in. "Sisky?" I whisper, hoping he'll repeat. "I meant it," he mumbles. I'm not sure if that's what he was saying before, but my body calms and I almost don't want to leave. I look towards the bedroom door.

Out there, even in my own house, there's a cruel world. A cold so fierce, that attacks my lungs and makes me beg for mercy. This bed is my safe place. But only when he's in it. And I never knew it until now, how much I needed this... someone to stay, someone who will actually... stay. From the corner of my eye, I see a glass of water on the side table that I slightly remember retrieving last night half asleep. I take a drink and let the lukewarm liquid bring my mouth to life.  _Good, now I can stay._  I pull the cover back over me and snuggle into his body burying my face under his chin. His arms lazily make their way around me and pull me in tighter, pressing his face to my forehead.

"I love you" His words faintly touch my ears. A warmth rushes down my body.  _Did he just?!_  My heart races and my stomach knots in a different way. I plant my lips desperately on his, startling him awake. "What the hell, Ry?"

"I love you too!" My voice, high, loud and shaking, excited.

"Wait, what are you... Oh, shit did I say that out loud?" His face turning red.

"Yes, and me too. I love you, Sisky." Our lips crash unforgivingly. When we break to catch our breath, he looks away almost sad and silent. "Hey?" I pull his face towards me.

"I love you," he starts, "But this is not how I saw this play out." And I giggle.

"Baby, I don't care how it happened. I'm just glad we've finally said it. I'm just glad you're still here." I kiss his smiling nose and touch his cheek. "I'm so, so glad that you love me back."

...

"HEY, BABY!!" I hear Sisky from the bottom of the steps. "SPENCER'S ON THE PHONE!" I stop brushing my teeth, looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes wide, mortified.

"I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN!" I spit. I haven't heard from Spencer in quite a few weeks and the last time we talked, I wasn't sure what was happening with Sisky; and even if I did, I still hid it from Spence. I wipe my face and run down the stairs shirtless, stopping at Sisky by the kitchen sink on the way to the phone. With my hand on his hip, I kiss him gently, trying to be as quiet as possible.  _MMM_ , he tastes so good, like strawberries. I pick up the receiver.

"Hey, Spence."

_Sisky tasted like strawberries._

"Ryan, Did the kid just call you Baby?"

"How is London?

_Where did the kid get strawberries?_

"NO, you will not skate around this question. Is there something going on between you and the kid?"

"Spencer, it's hard to explain." I summon Sisky to me with one finger and a sly look.

"God Dammit, Ryan. When I said you needed a boyfriend, I didn't mean the kid."

I slowly take in the scent of Sisky's mouth when he gets close. "We are out of milk" Sisky whispers against my mouth.

"Ryan, are you listening to me?"

"Mmhmm, yeah Spence." Sisky's leg between mine and mine between his as I lean back against the counter, phone still to my ear. "I love you," I whisper against Sisky's neck while I peck and nibble through my smile. Sisky giggles.

"Did you just... Ryan?! This kid is not a substitute for Brendon." My face tightens at the name. Sisky heard him too, taking my face in his hands and trying to lock eyes with me. I keep breaking the connection getting more frustrated.

"You're right, Spence," I start, sounding calm even though my blood made my whole body warm. "He's not a fucking substitute. He's not Brendon. He's still here and Brendon's just ... no longer a memory." Sisky's hands rest on my chest, relaxed, knowing he's won. "I LOVE him, Spencer."

"Can you pull your head out of your ass for 2 minutes and talk to me. This call is expensive." Spencer sounded defeated.

"I asked you about London, but you were more worried about what I do with my dick." Sisky and I laugh and I could hear Spencer's eyes roll through the phone.

"Fine, London's great, but the guy I'm working with makes me wanna rip my hair out."

Spencer continues to tell me about the studio he's been working at, the dick bag he's working with, and the city and the girls. He wants me to visit, but honestly, I never want to leave my house, even though I know we need milk. My brain drifts from listening to Spence's stories to watching Sisky eat strawberries.  _Where the hell did he get strawberries?_  I lick my lips while I watch his lips close around the juicy red berry. Biting into it, he starts to smile and I look up to see him watching me watch him. I move over to him, stretching the cord as far as I can and leaning over begging with my mouth open. Sisky holds a whole strawberry in my mouth to bite.  _MMMM_

"Ok, I got to run, I have a date tonight. I'll call again soon." I spring my attention back to Spencer's voice. "I guess, tell the kid I said Hi."

"Yea Yea, for sure, bye Spence." I wait to hear the phone click on his end and drop the receiver to the floor, jumping over to my boy wrapping my arms around his body from behind and kissing his neck and shoulder. _MMMM ._ "Spence says Hi." I breathe heavy into his ear.

"I heard." Sisky moans as his head falls back. "We forgot the milk the other day. We got the strawberries but forgot the milk." He tries to remind me of this milk emergency. "I want cereal, babe." I sigh, giving in.

There's a knock at the door, quiet and polite. I almost don't hear it, but just enough to startle. Sisky looks at me concerned.

"Are you expecting anyone."

"NO, were you?"

 

 


	7. I'm a Disappearing Act Done Poorly

    **Brendon's POV**

   "No, No, No, I'm not talking to that kid." I can't believe what my manager is asking me to do. "Mike, honestly, no one would be stupid enough to feed him any information about anything."  _Why would I want some kid knowing all about my deepest most intimate stories and thoughts? Ryan would never be stupid enough to do this, why would I?_   I throw my sweat-soaked towel on the couch, still hearing the crowd begging for my return to the stage at the top of their lungs. Not just my return, but the return of His Side. Dallon walks by with a pat on my back signaling a good show. I can't help but toss a fake smile back at my ridiculously tall bassist. 

   Dallon was gorgeous, close to 7 feet tall I imagine, probably not, but close. When Mike introduced him to me, he looked at me with those sparkling blue eyes and my heart dropped to its knees. I thought for sure he'd have to be a total egomaniacal dick with his button-up shirt and tight English vest. But it only took a few sentences for me to realize, this man was a beautiful package. "Hello, Mike has told me so much about you." He shook my hand with such humble confidence and a precious goofy bow. Dallon was always and still is the politest man I've ever known.  

   "Hey, Dal, was there an issue with your amp out there?" I brush my fingertips across his arm. 

   "Yea, a lot more feedback than usual, I felt." He smiles at me. 

   "Alright, we should probably go over that later, then." I smile back as he walks out of the dressing room with a fresh shirt. 

   "Bren, you know I'm not stupid right?" Mike rolls his eyes, following Dallon out. He thinks he knows, but he has no idea. Not every relationship or one-night stand is going to be like Ryan. Fuck, none of them will EVER be Ryan. There isn't a soul alive that could make me feel like he did.

**...**

   "Hey!" There's a soft whisper from behind smiling eyes that peak around the dressing room door. I greet them with a kiss on my toes and my hands pushing off of his. He walks me back to the vanity, picking me up and sitting me on the surface in front of the mirror framed in lit bulbs. I wrap my arms around his neck as he moves the makeup and grooming supplies out of our way. My fingers tangle in his hair while our tongues crash harder together. My body arching in, pressing my chest to his, our hands desperately search for the bottom of shirts and laughing ungracefully tangling, trying to get them over our heads. I jump right into kissing his chest and dragging my fingers down his sides, listening to him moan through his bottom bitten lip. His hands run down my back as I fumble at his pants. _OH FUCK_  nails drag back up my back. Dallon leans in and whispers against my cheek. "Still not ready." I don't respond, just shift my focus from his pants back up to his sharp face. 

   I will keep trying even though I know he'll stop me every time. He's a good gay boy; doesn't sleep around. I want him, but neither of us is ready.  I slide my ass closer and pull him towards me, grinding up against him. We can at least do that without any regret. He pulls my legs up on his hips and I playfully wrap around his waist, and we lean back against the mirror. One of his hands steadying himself on his reflection next to my head; the other squeezing my ass and I can feel how hard he is against my cock.  I could come like this alone, but I won't because there's no time. And before I know it, yet expecting, there's a knock on the door. Dallon groans with disappointment, as Mike's voice rings through the door,  
   "BOYS, BUS!"   
    _FUCK_. I rest my head in the crook of Dallon's neck, as he helps me down. One last kiss before we appear to the rest of the crew loading the bus with us.

**...**

   Dallon was fast asleep in his bunk as I sat wide awake in the lounge, my legs swung over the side of the oversized seat I was sitting in. I stare at the blank page of my notebook.  There's so much I want to write,  but I can't.  Can't put these words to paper, when I know they won't become a song; when I know they may be seen one day.   
   "Bren, the kid called again." Mike interrupts my deep thought and I look up from my notebook.

   "And... I'm still not interested, Mike. Nothing's changed." Slamming my notebook on the table next to me, I sit up looking at him with the invitation to continue.  _Fucking convince me. Convince me that I should get this off my chest, convince me that this madness in my head will all subside if I just talk about it._

   "Brendon, Vicky is the one who told me about this. Her and Ryan have signed a contract with him to let him proceed with the book." My heart skips a beat hearing his name. I can say his name all I want in my head, but to hear it actually process through my ears, through my body, through my veins, makes him real. I don't want him to be real. He needs to stay a figment of my imagination. A man I never knew, but only looked up to. Keep him the elusive creator of Brendon Roscoe. 

   I sat quietly for a moment breathing deep to calm myself. I look at my hands folded between my knees. 

   "Where?" I whisper.

   "Some little spot of nowhere in Maine?" he sounded unsure. "Machias." He sounded out.

    _What the fuck could possibly be in Maine for me? For anyone?_


	8. I Make Plans To Break Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is super short. Needed to get it out of my system while sitting at the bar.

** Ryan's POV **

   Another knock and I get up walking to the door, hesitantly, looking back at Sisky and mouth the words, "are you sure you didn't invite anyone?"

   This is the time I wish I had a peephole or windows around my door. It wouldn't be Clifton. I think I made it clear that I was with Sisky now, during our last grocery outing. I reach for the doorknob slowly as they knock again. I say nothing opening the door. The face I see has me floored.  _How, what, where the fuck did you, why?_ Those pouty lips, and those caramel brown eyes, and a jawline to cut the world into shreds. I missed him. I could feel my heart fold into itself and my stomach flipped in circles. I slammed the door paralyzed. 

  "ADAM TAYLOR!!" I yelled and he came to my side immediately rubbing my shoulder. "Why is Brendon at my door?" I held the knob without any other movement. His movement stops. 

    "Baby." He started. "I didn't think he'd actually come.  No one told me he was actually going to come. " I shook his hand from me,  my skin vibrating on fire. 

   "I told you NOT to fucking do this. This is MY HOME! Have you forgotten?  This is MY HOME and not yours."

   "Ryan, I swear I didn't tell him where we were. Vicky must have told him. "  I whipped the door open and Brendon's eyes were wide open. He seemed stuck and surprised. 

   "Ryan, I didn't  know...." Brendon started to turn back towards the stairs. 

   "Stop." I reached for him. "Get in here," I demanded, mouth dry. "Sisky asked you here, he's gonna deal with the consequences."  _I mean FUCK what if me and Brendon aren't over each other? Is_ _Sisky_ _ready to lose me? FUCK what if he is? Was this his plan from the beginning?  SHIT does_ _Sisky_ _not want to be with me?_    I guide Brendon in with his bags. And gesture to an empty couch for him to sit. What have I done? The 2 people in my life that I can't get out of my brain are both sitting in my living room staring at the floor then back at me for instructions on what to do next. 


	9. You're Seldom Known And Barely Missed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Use of the word "Faggot" merely to follow THROAM's style. I DO NOT condone the use of that word. <3

  I stand there, arm crossed in front of me, chewing on my thumbnail, staring absently at my floor. Not absently, more so on the loose thread of shag carpet that is longer than the rest near the corner of the couch leg. That thread is me barely holding on. Surrounded by an ocean of similar souls that are pulling me back. I feel his hand on my shoulder, I close my eyes and without thinking I drop my hand from my mouth and push my fingers into his. I take a deep breath and open my eyes to Brendon, legs crossed on the couch facing away from me, trying not to look my way. Looking every other way but mine. I'm standing with Sisky behind me showing a sort of dominance or ownership, possibly both. 

   This is not how I envisioned my reunion with Brendon happening, if at all. Awkwardness; Yes. But I was supposed to feel something. I was supposed to feel an overwhelming need for him. Now I just need for him to leave. I was supposed to take him in the doorway and pretend that all this time between us did not exist. But all I did was insist he come in from the cold with hatred in my eyes.  _You left me. You chose Shane. You refused a normal life with me. We are toxic. We are a bad accident. Crash. Bang. Smoke.  We are no more._  I want to say these things but I can not. I can't bring myself to form words and I just stand here vibrating with Sisky whispering in my ear and I'm not sure what he's saying but it seems to be bringing me back down from my cloud. 

   "Brendon Roscoe," I start with a sarcastic tone. "You've been quite the rock star lately. Glad to see you had it in you."

   "Ryan, I didn't come here for this. I came for the interview. I didn't even want to do this at all. But now, I can see why you're doing this." He snarls his nose at the sight of Sisky and I. "So, what? You and the kid are an item now? You finally get your perfect faggot relationship?" His words cut like knives, but I won't let them scar me. Sisky squeezes my arm asking me to sit down but I won't budge. "Sleep together, wake up together, go on walks together, run errands together? Together, TWENTY FOUR FUCKING SEVEN!!!" His eyes blackened and wet. His cheeks hollow but I know he's biting the insides. I can feel my eyes burning and blurring. 

   "You mean, everything I wanted from you?!" I growl through my teeth. Sisky tries to calm me kissing my shoulder but I don't feel him there anymore and he must know this as he sidesteps to the sofa across from Brendon bracing himself for the explosion that no one can defuse. "YES! Bren, he gives me that. I gave you EVERYTHING!" I could feel my voice tremble and fists clenched at my side. "And you didn't want it. I begged for us not to live in the dark." I grabbed the closest object and threw it. Not at him. And before I knew it Sisky was catching me. I was worried that I would lose Sisky today. I should have known better. "YOU CREATED THIS HOLE, THIS VOID. YOU TOOK IT ALL FROM ME!!" I screamed at him while Sisky held me back. "AND SISKY.... HE GAVE it all back without asking." I relaxed into his arms. "No questions asked."  Brendon stood and started towards me angrily.

   "So that warrants you seducing my boyfriend?" Sisky turned me away from him as Brendon's face spit from close range. Sisky's arm stretched out to push Brendon away. "You will never be happy until you are standing on the top of the mountain as Ryan Ross, Some kind of GOD!" 

    "Fuck You Brendon URIE!" Sisky walked Brendon back to his end of the couch and I knew to stay put. Sisky is glaring at me.  _Oh Shit_. My eyes shifted from anger to apologetic. I don't want to hurt Sisky.  _What have I done?_  A green ocean flooded his eyes as his lips became thin lines.

   "YOU. SIT DOWN." I did as he said, with my face in my hands. He looked back at Brendon. "Your last name is really URIE?"  _Fuck FUck FUCK fuck. We tried so hard to keep that a secret._  Brendon lowered his head.  _No FUCK HIM!_    Sisky's eyes came back to me. "You fucked Shane?" He seemed crushed. 

   "So, wait, you haven't told your little boy toy?" A smirk crossed Brendon's face. "He doesn't know how I chose what was good for me but you couldn't take NO for an answer, so you just had to destroy me by seducing my boyfriend and fucking his brains out?" A tear sneaks down my face.  _I know I fucked that up. I know I should have never done it._

   "But I can't take that back," I whispered through my sobbing. 

   "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." Brendon leaned in mocking me. "Is that a half-ass apology, as usual, Ross?" 

    "I'm fucking sorry for that. I should have never done that. I was only out to hurt you." I wiped the tears from my face and sniffled back the running snot before it became too obvious. "Sisky, I told you there was an ugly side to me I didn't want you to know. This is the shit I wanted to keep buried in the past." He looked down chewing on his bottom lip, arms crossed in front of him. "At first, I didn't tell you cause I didn't want you to write about it." I reached for his t-shirt and pulled him towards me. In between my legs, his jaw shifted. I rubbed the side of his leg. "But then," I looked up at him softly and he looked back down at me and all I saw was him and the gold flecks swimming in his eyes, and the brown waves curl around his face. "Then I fell for you and I didn't want to hurt you. Like this." I wrap my arms around his thighs resting my face on his hip.

   "Fuck this. Why am I here?" Brendon stood up and started toward the door. 

   "SIT DOWN!" Sisky barked.  _Damn Baby_. I like when he's bossy. "You came for an interview and I'm getting my fucking interview."


	10. Your Love's A Fucking Drag

**Brendon's pov**   

   Sitting on this bed, in this small still room just off of the living room, I stare at the walls, blank, lifeless, like no one has ever stepped foot in here not even to stay an hour. My adrenaline has started to wind down. I can hear Ryan and that kid talking, in what might be the kitchen. Their voices quiet and soft then rising with frustration and then relaxing remembering that others can hear. My name gets brought up but that's all I can make out from time to time. Ryan really had no idea I was coming here. I was half hoping that maybe this was his sick passive-aggressive way of getting me back into his arms. I close my eyes taking in long deep breaths.  _Why am I here? Is this some kind of bad joke?_  I scream at the top of my lungs with all the air that has ever filled my body. A long, heavy, steady scream and I punch the mattress over and over. And after, all is quiet.

   There's a light tap on the door.

 

    "Hey Bren, you alright in there?" Ryan's voice chimes through like broken shards of glass to my ears.  I choke and can't get out a response let alone make a simple noise. I watch the door handle turn slowly and I don't want him to come in, I really don't. The door creaks open hesitantly with still no sight of the long brown hair and awful beautiful amber eyes that once held my heart and I try to yell to _GO AWAY_  but my breathing falters and when he appears, my body becomes numb.  _Why now?_   _Why not hours ago when I saw him for the first time in years? Why not when he was screaming at me about where we went wrong? Why not when I saw them holding hands, being the absolute sign of perfection? Why not then?_  Why not when I spit in his face?  _Oh God, I spit in his face._  I look wide eyed at his soft features, rounder than I remember, more colorful and full of life. He's happy. 

   "I never made you that happy." I look down at my hands trying not to grab the sheets. I feel the tears swell in my eyes. Ryan stays quiet. The door opens wider to reveal that tall thin boy. I know I remember his face from a crowd, but I don't remember which city or tour, maybe several. Wavy dirty blonde locks fall in front of his face as he pushes them behind his ear. He is quaint and yet still beautiful sucking on his bottom lip. He's nervous, but why? "Sisky, Right?" I ask and he nods with a slight timid smile. "How did you break him?"

   "YOU broke him, I fixed him," he answers and I turn my head as the tears sneak out. Ryan disappeared from the door way quickly. I wanted to stand and chase him but my muscles were frozen. Sisky must've read my mind. "Don't. He'll just throw his glass at you." I couldn't help but smile a little. It was true and we both knew it. He makes his way to me and takes up an edge of the bed. My stomach begins to knot up. He smells of Ryan's cigarettes and strawberries. His eyes are strangely intoxicating and my fingers accidentally brush against the side of his hand. My breathing hitches and he quickly pulls away. My heart beat is picking up.  _What's happening right now? No no no. So that's how Ryan got hooked?_  Or this could be my subconscious need for revenge disguised in some desperate attempt to quench a 2-year thirst for a necessity I've been deprived of by a boy who is expecting me to come back to him unscathed.  _FUCK. Dallon. But._  I jump up and pace the room frantically.  _I need to get back. Go home. I need out of here. I need Dallon. This was stupid. All of this. None of this is real. And none of it is_.... Sisky's hand catching my shoulder stops me in my tracks.  "Hey," My body tenses and I stare him dead in the eyes.  _FUCK stop it_. 

   "Do you love him?" I ask.

  "What?" His jaw clenches. 

   "Do you love Ryan? Without a doubt, no question in your mind at all? Do you fucking love him?"

   "Do you?" 

   My answer is his answer and I know this. And it doesn't stop me. It actually pushes me over the edge. I slam my mouth against his, crashing us and the door closed. REVENGE. REVENGE. REveNge, Revenge, revenge revenge revengerevengerevengere..... Sisky is not returning my spiteful kiss and Ryan is now banging madly on the outside of the door yelling for us to open it. He cracks it a little but I shove Sisky into it harder. Kissing harder, my hand gripping his face. His hands searching for a way out of this and he tries to gasp for breath. And finally, I feel him break and let me in. His tongue dancing with mine. His hand grabs my belt.  _Oh, wait, what's happening? Is he trying to call my bluff? Fuck._  He pushes me back towards the bed by my hips then he steps away from me his eyes pooling with anger. Ryan storms in. 

   "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Sisky turns into him huddling against his chest like a frightened child.

   "I, I, I'm sorry," I respond confused. Confused by them, and confused by my own actions. Sisky whispering in his ear and a smirk crosses Ryan's face. They start towards me with dark looks across their face. Is this kid even capable of evil? 

   "So you wanna fuck my boyfriend?" Ryan's fingers wrap around my throat following me as I move backward.  _I think I've changed my mind. I don't wanna do this. I want to go back to Dallon. I owe it to Dallon to come back to him unscathed._  "He's pretty isn't he?" Ryan presses me against the wall with his body. Sisky close behind. My eyes shoot to Sisky's and they darken. I feel a hand explore my waist. "His cock is pretty too," Ryan offers as Sisky's hand reaches between us palming me.  _OH FUCK_ , I'm painfully throbbing. I cringe as his grip tightens. I swallow against Ryan's hand. "Do you want my boy's pretty little dick?" 

   "Yes," I gasp out, reaching for Sisky's side and pulling him towards me. He leans in to kiss me but Ryan stops him seconds short of my lips and presses his lips to Sisky's. My stomach twists with jealousy and I pull Ryan's face away. My mouth devouring his while Sisky's trace my neck, biting every now and again. Ryan breaks away and begins a path down my neck and chest being sure to lick and suck my nipple as he passes. Sisky's mouth crashes into mine angrily. I can feel his eyes burn green. Ryan unbelts my pants and slides them down around my ass. Sisky won't let me look down. My hands exploring Sisky's slim muscle tone. No one told me the kid was kinda sexy. Although, no one else was looking at him in that way. Ryan spits in his hand and begins stroking me. I moan into Sisky's mouth and his tongue gets more aggressive and his fingers tighten in the back of my hair. Ryan runs his tongue along the bottom of my cock, over every vein and around the edge of my head.

   "Baby, you should taste this," he calls to Sisky with drool dripping from his lips, inviting him down to suck my dick. Sisky pulls away and drops down to his knees dragging his hand down my chest and stomach. Ryan holds me at the base as I disappear into Sisky's pretty little mouth.  _OH MY FUCKING GOD!_ This kids tongue swirling and his cheeks hollow as he sucks.  _Fuck it feels so good. Too good. It's been too long. FUCK. I'm going to_... My body shaking and my vision blurry but I hear him choke a bit. I look down to see his mouth wide open tongue out catching all my cum and letting it leak from the corners. Jesus Christ, now I know why Ryan has grown so attached. This kid has a wonderful mouth. Ryan leans over kissing him, licking the mess from the corners of his lips and I watch as my cum strings between their tongues and they crash together again and Ryan swallows. I'm instantly hard again when Ryan pulls Sisky to his feet by his throat. Sisky's eyes seem to be submitting to Ryan yet when he looks at me he's like a lion that may destroy me.

   "Can I take him?" Sisky asks Ryan biting his glossy bottom lip.

   "Mmmm. You can't wait to fuck the great Brendon Roscoe, can you?" Ryan rubs his thumb down the edge of his jaw. I lean against the wall trying to catch my breath and dial down my racing heart. Ryan's hand grasps the back of my neck and he leads me to the bed. Sisky strips free of all his clothing and is laying on the bed waiting for us. Ryan standing near the edge of the bed kisses me, then leans over and kisses him softly, reassuring. You can feel the intimacy in their kiss. Ryan pulls Sisky's ass closer to the edge and starts licking, and I straddle over Sisky while kissing him. I can still taste me on his mouth. Ryan's hands take my ass and spread me open and tongues me til I'm wet and ready. Sisky and I concentrating on mouths and necks and nipples while Ryan guides Sisky into me. I whine and twist and moan. He's much bigger than I remember Ryan being. I slide up and down Sisky gently picking up my pace, then I feel Ryan's naked body press against my back and Sisky makes a small cry. I realize Ryan is now inside of him just underneath me. Sisky's fingers tangle in the bed sheets and his veins pop from his arms as he holds himself down, moaning and grunting.  _FUCK that's so hot_. I ride him faster and harder leaning back laying my head on Ryan's shoulder. He's thrusting faster into Sisky, his hands climbing the front of my body and biting my neck harder and harder. He knows the harder he bites the harder I'll cum. His nails dig into my hips and sides as he forces me to bounce further off Sisky's dick and slam down onto him.  _OH FUCK oh fuck_. He's now jerking me off and slamming into Sisky so hard and fast I can hear Sisky crying for _"More Please."_  I'm vibrating and watching my cum shoot out in small spurts onto Sisky's tight stomach. At that moment I feel him release inside me. Oh, how I miss that feeling.  _FUCK_. I pull off of him and Sisky cries out "OH MY GOD!" Ryan pulls out of him quickly, pushes me down and slams into me over and over until he finishes inside, filling me up.  _Oh, God. Oh God, that's so good_. As he pulls out I can feel the cum drip down my ass and he struggles to keep it all in with his hands. Eventually, we crumble into a sweaty messy heap of men and just kiss each other gently and relax.

Tomorrow is about to be awkward. 


	11. Sweep All Your Dignity Under The Covers

  ** Brendon's P.O.V**

   There are pots and pans clinking in the other room and both of my heads are throbbing.  _What on earth are they doing in there? Do they have any respect for a sleeping guest in this house?_  I bring the comforter over my face to try to help keep the room from spinning. I don't recall drinking last night. There is no taste of alcohol on my breath. I haven't drank since the first night I realized Dallon was gay.  _OH MY GOD DALLON! What have I done?_  I didn't do anything wrong. He knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. I knew something like this may happen and I never wanted to hurt him.  _Fuck who am I kidding?_  What did I expect? You can't just stop having feelings for someone and not get hurt just because someone says we aren't in a relationship. This is still going to hurt him. Maybe I just won't go back. I'll stay here with Ry and Sisky and we will live happ....  _SHUT THE FUCK UP BREN._  Wow did that ridiculous thought actually cross my mind?  _Jesus fucking Christ Bren, pull your head out of your ass and go back to the real sure thing you have waiting at home._  I could go back and pretend nothing happened. There was no interview, no Sisky, no house in the woods on the coast. _Okay Okay_ , he'd catch on when the book comes out. Okay we did the interview and that was it, and I stayed because of the jet lag. 

   I step into the kitchen, squinting against the sun beating in through the kitchen's picture window. Ryan dances past me with a few plates, 

   "Good Morning, Sleepy Head." He kisses my cheek. Confused, I look at Sisky who is smiling at me from the stove. "Sisky's pancakes are to die for." Ry touches the back of my arm on his way back by. His lips press to Sisky's and Sisky pulls him in by the hips. I anxiously look at the floor trying not to stare but I can't seem to help it. I want what they have. I know I don't belong here. Not with them. 

   "Do you have a phone somewhere in this off-grid hideout?" I interrupted them. They giggled at each other and I felt a pain in my stomach. I haven't seen Ryan smile like that in so long. I used to have that, but I've lost it. And if I don't talk to Dallon soon, I'm really going to lose it. Sisky points to the phone sitting on the side table by the counter and they continue their discussion about the plans for the day. They are hoping to hit the record store when they go into town. Apparently, it's not the best but it's all this little town has to offer. I pick up the receiver slowly. Am I even sure I want to make this call... right now.... Do I even know what to say? I set it back down softly and look back at the other 2 and they quickly look away pretending they were never watching me. I inhale deeply and close my eyes picking back up the phone and dial my bass player's number that I've memorized. 

   "Heyyy," I whisper enthusiastically when the deep voice answers. "It's Bren, are you busy?" I put my hand around the mouthpiece.   "I miss you too."   I can feel breathing on my neck and a finger brushes my shoulder.  "Yea yea. The interview went well."  A hand reaches under my t-shirt, touching my skin. My breathing shakes. "I'm not quite sure when I'm coming home." My voice quivers as the hand wraps around the front of my body. "I just needed you to know... that I'm ready." Lips touch my neck. "Dallon, I love you." The words ran out of my mouth before I could catch them.  The hand now inside my pants and the fingers wrapping around my hardness. That is definitely Ryan's hand. "I mean... I wish you were here." I squeak. "I should go. It was really good to hear your voice." Dallon agrees with me and there's another hand hanging up the phone for me and turning me around. 

   Pinned up against the counter, I'm holding myself up as Sisky is teasing my nipples through my shirt. "NO!" I push myself free and walk steadily, with a purpose, to the guest bedroom. "I can't do this. I thought I could. I can't." Ryan follows me, leaning in the doorway. His eyes burning into me. I know that look. It's not quite the same but it's similar. Desire. But it's empty. 

   "So. You've moved on as well?" He's walking towards me as I'm searching through my bag for clean clothes. "Tell me about Dallon."

   "He's my bass player. And he's waited long enough for me to get over YOU!" I look up at him, that fire gone from his eyes. 

   "I've seen him in the magazines. I don't blame you." He touches my hand. "What would he think about last night?" I freeze.  _What's that supposed to mean?_  "Would he be the understanding boyfriend to forgive you? Or is your Dally boy gonna leave you in the dust?" His fingers dance up my arm and I glare at him.

   "He's not going to know about last night." I shake him from me. "He's not going to know that you or I were here." 

   "Oh come on, Bren. Can you really believe that? That you'll be able to keep this awful... disgusting... horrid secret from the love of your life... forever?" His tone drenched in sarcasm as he picked up my clean briefs I set on the bed. Snatching my underwear out of his hands, I grab my bag and stomp off towards the bathroom, not leaving anything behind. I desperately need to wash the remnants of both men off my skin and I'm still half-cocked from the groping session in the kitchen. Fuck, just thinking about it is making me hard again. 

   I turn the handle on the shower and strip naked. The warm water beats on my face as I soap my hair. Eyes closed I get the feeling someone has joined me. _SHIT_. I can't open my eyes with the soap running down my face. I reach out and touch a tight toned body and gasp. The hairless chest means it's Sisky. I have finally rinsed my head enough to open my eyes and catch Sisky staring at me biting his bottom lip. 

   "What are you doing?" I back up cupping what I can fit in my hands.

   "Showering. There IS only one bathroom." He smiles, reaching into the water and letting it run down his arm.  _NO NO NO nononnononono. This can't be happening right now._  I turn around frantically.  _FUCK what do I do?_  His hands casually wash my skin and I'm strangely calm again and facing him. My vision is hazy but I let him touch me.  _FUCK it Who knows how long I'll be here and without Dallon. And who cares if Ryan tells him._  Me and Dallon weren't a real thing. I'm grabbing his face and kissing him hard. The water rushes over us making my hand slide too easily around his body to pull him in. I need to feel his hard body against mine. His skin so smooth and milky. His hard cock pressed up against my stomach and rubbing as he moves about kissing my neck. His wet curls decorate his face. His fingers grip my ass like he could rip through my skin as he lifts me and presses my back against the wall. My leg wrapped around his body and my teeth ravaging his neck. Nails digging into skin. I whisper in his ear,

   "I want to FUCK you." I can feel it through my body, the pulsing through veins through every inch of me. I push him away and turn him around moving him into my place with his face against the wall. I run my hands down his arms over every muscle as I pull his wrists together behind his back. Kicking his feet apart, his ass presses back against my cock. I slide into him easier than I was expecting. Ryan must have been fucking him better than I ever deserved. I thrust into him harder and faster each time. The shower curtain whips to the side quickly behind me.

   "Well well. Not the sight I was expecting." Ryan growls through his teeth. "But definitely the one I was hoping for." Before I can say anything, Ryan was kneeling in the bathtub, with his tongue buried deep in my ass. His fingers gouge into my thighs as he moans.  _FUCK_. I smash into Sisky harder holding his shoulders for leverage. I entwine my fingers in his hair while biting his shoulder. Sisky lets out a gurgled yell and braces himself against the wall mouth open wide. I reach around and stroke his swollen cock quickly. His body begins to fold but I yank him back up by his hair. Ryan's finger slips into my hole sending me deeper into Sisky and my whole body quivers. I'm about to come and Sisky whines louder. I fill him up and wait til I'm finished before pulling out. I step to the side and Ryan takes my place licking my overflow that drips from Sisky. I watch as Sisky tugs at himself and I want to be a part of it dropping to my knees and devouring him. My tongue dancing around his head and running the length of his shaft. Twisting and sucking, it doesn't take long for him to unload without warning. _MMMM_  I want to swallow but force myself to share with Ryan. I grab Ryan's face, our mouths crash together as I spill Sisky into his. He swallows and stands to kiss Sisky. For a few moments, they just fall into each other and I felt unwanted, unneeded, set aside. It hits me that I don't matter to them. I step from the shower grabbing my towel and walk out slamming the door. 

 


	12. Stuck In Love With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one.

** RYAN'S POV **

   A tornado ripped through my heart... NO NO, A HURRICANE! Yea a hurricane. That's what it was. Not just a tiny isolated path of destruction, it was an overwhelming massacre in chaos through my entire body, including my brain. Brendon has once again walked in nonchalantly and twists turned my whole world upside down. And yet I continue to look at my boy and all the stinging rain and rushing waters start to calm. How does he do it? How does this poofy haired fool make everything make sense? 

   Sitting on the couch anxious that this little visit is coming to an end soon, my pinky ring clinks against my glass of whiskey. The darkness has fallen through the house before we knew it and Sisky clicks on the lamp before claiming his seat next to me. He slithers in closer and I lift my arm, welcoming him to his nook where he rightfully belongs. His head resting in my lap, looking away from me across the room at nothing I'm sure; or maybe that missed sock that was thrown into the corner who knows when. I stroke his hair as I take a sip of my drink and return my arm to resting on his hip. 

   "You're still in love with him." He breaks the silence. My touch stiffens and I turn his head towards me. My dishonest eyes break apart like a shipwreck in his sad seafoam waves begging me for assurance. 

   "I love you, Adam Taylor Siska." I kiss his forehead and stare back at the minuscule white sock in the corner, questioning the subject I just managed to avoid because I DO love my boyfriend... with all my heart. At least I think it's with all my heart.  _FUCK THIS! I need to get Brendon out of here._  I feel something for him. I don't think it's love. I don't smile when I see him. There's no butterflies, just fire. A never-ending anxious burning. _I need to make a phone call._

  "Ry, where are you going?" Sisky sounds worried as I lift him just enough to slip out from under him. 

   "I have something I have to take care of." I kiss his sweet soft lips and smile against them knowing that he's mine. My boy is still scared to lose me, and it makes me the happiest man in existence. I head to the kitchen, passing the guest bedroom door. 

   Brendon had locked himself in hoping, maybe to ride out the rest of his mini nightmare vacay without another incident. He's been so quiet, I'm thinking I should check to make sure he's still in there. I decide my phone call is far more important. 

   "Vicky, Hey. It's Ry. I need you to do me a favor...."


	13. All Your Boyfriends Go To Film School

   **Brendon's POV**

     It's been 4 days since I arrived at this secluded nest in the woods. The interview has been done... reluctantly.  I left out all the things Ryan asked me not to say. Not that Sisky wouldn't have kept it to himself anyway. I've locked myself in the room until I can get ahold of Mike to get me out of here. Oddly enough, he's been refusing my phone calls. I've tried calling Dallon to see if he knows where Mike is. He is also, nowhere to be found. My chest starts to burn. _What if they have sent me here on purpose to be lost forever. I need to start walking. I can't stay here. I need to get back to my life._ My stomach tightens and I feel vomit begin to rise at the thought I may never leave here.

    I start packing my things. I have to walk into town to catch the bus anyways. There's a knock on the door that I ignore because, well frankly, this isn't my house. I hear mumbling between Ryan and Sisky and then a familiar voice that greets them as if it's the first interaction. I press my ear to the door. 

    "I was so glad when Mike told me you wanted to meet with me. This is a huge opportunity for us." The voice rambled enchanted with Ryan. _Of course, THE Ryan Ross would have the ... wait did he say, Mike?_ I whip open the door instantly locking eyes with my giant bassist friend. Confusion draped his face as I ran to him without thinking. 

    "DAL!" I wrapped my arms around his waist and shove my face in his chest. My world has fallen back together. I don't know why he is here but I don't care because his touch on the back of my head is comforting me. He steps back, holding my shoulders and taking me in.

   "Baby." His eyes slightly worried touching my face and now I'm worried. His tone changed remembering our secret. "Brendon, what are you doing here?" he inquires dropping his hand.  I look at Ryan puzzled and scared. A sly smile crossed his face as he looked at Sisky who sighed in relief. That poor boy, being devoured in Ryan's narcissism, thought he had Ryan all to himself until I showed up. Now his savior... our savior has arrived.  "Is someone going to explain to me what's going on?" Dallon demanded.

   "This is Adam Siska." I introduce Sisky as he does a campy bow. "He's the boy writing the book." Dallon's face begins to comprehend. "But what are you doing here?" I ask him, wanting to touch him but knowing he doesn't know that Ryan and Sisky know about us already. 

   "Mike called and said that Ryan Ross wanted to work with us, maybe go on a tour soon. I told him you should be the one to handle this but he didn't want to miss this chance and I was the only one available. Ryan had me flown... out... here....." The pieces began to fall into place for him but the finished puzzle was not the same picture we all knew. Dallon wasn't given the left edge pieces but the picture still made sense, and that was fine by me. For now at least. He looked down at his square toe Italian leather shoes. "So, I take it he told you about us? In the interview?" My chest immediately felt a thousand times lighter and he looked up at me with his nervous blue eyes and then to Sisky. His voice raced, "Are you going to print that? Are you going to ruin our careers? Our families?"  Ryan giggled loudly and I cleared my throat to shut him up. 

   Dallon was genuinely scared of what this meant for the rest of his life in every aspect. He also was not aware of Ryan's sexuality or Sisky's. I wasn't even aware of Sisky's til this weekend. I wasn't that awful of a person to out Ryan even after what he had done to me. I kept it a secret just as he kept my past a secret. I kind of still loved him for that.  I watched for a response from the other 2 men who insisted on making my life a living hell. What kind of antics did they have up their sleeve? _Ryan Ross, what exactly are you planning on doing with all this information that may destroy me?_ Sisky reaches for Ryan's hand. Ryan surprised, dropped his smirk as if all his evil plans have been foiled. He squeezed Sisky's hand and that was my cue to take Dallon's. I touched my cheek to his shoulder. His shoulder was all I could reach without standing on my toes or him crouching down. His eyes shifted between Ryan and Sisky then to their hand and back to their faces. 

   "You two? You're?" Dallon's fingers made their way between mine and I wanted to keep that moment forever. "I heard rumors that you might be... but... just wow. Did you know?" He looked down, piercing my heart with those deep blue oceans. All of a sudden, I didn't want to keep that moment. I wanted that moment to run far far away and disappear into the darkness and never rear its ugly head again. Because, at that moment, I realized I would have to tell him everything. 

 


	14. This Is The End My Friend

**Ryan's POV**

_Gold,_  
    _Why won't you write me back? Please, I have done everything. All the things you said I couldn't. When I'm done, I will be back for you. I promise. I love you._  
 _-Sisky_

  I stare at these words and they begin to blur. Have I been so blind? How did I miss this? I'm the manipulator, not him. I was the one in control. I thought. How could he do this to me? Is this some kind of joke? My insides twist and my skin burns. Tears sting my face but I'm not sad, I'm angry. Pissed. How fucking dare he use ME? Brendon had warned me.   
     
    "Dallon. I actually asked you here because Bren missed you and that's all we heard about." Brendon looked at me confused and relieved.  
   "Ryan, as much as I do appreciate that, I'm ready to just go home."   
   "Then I should arrange for the both of you to return to New York together. First thing in the morning. Until then enjoy your stay." I smiled uncomfortably.   
   The next morning, I walked them to the front door. Dallon hugging me genuinely oblivious to what had happened between Brendon and I.  As I leaned in to embrace Bren to prove things weren't awkward even though they were, he whispered close to my ear.   
   "Be careful of the boy. His intentions seem impure. I don't think he's being honest with you." My laugh shook as I dismissed his advise. I watched the both of them disappear into the fog in hopes that he may be wrong.  
   Later that night as I pulled my pajama pants up over my ass, I felt soft lips pressed to my shoulder and then my back. My entire body tensed and grew cold. Sisky's hands slipped around my sides grazing my stomach as I shivered.   
    "You don't have to put those on." His breath warmed the back of my neck but al I heard was Brendon's warning ringing in my mind. "I'm just going to take them right back off." His fingers drifted towards the band of my pants and revealed my hip before I stopped him. I could feel his body still for a moment, possibly in shock. His hands dropped away from me quickly. "Okay. What's wrong? It's Brendon isn't it?" I looked at him calmly and reached for his arm but he pulled away.   
   "Please, don't read into this. I'm just tired. We have been through so much this last week. I just need to recharge." His jaw tightened and his arms crossed.  _God that jaw_. I almost forgot why I was putting on the brakes. I took his face in my hands, giving him some false sense of security. My thumb pulled at his bottom lip until it dropped open for me to kiss.  _I just need a little time. A little time to figure this out._  "Will you just lay with me. Tell me everything will be alright." I whispered on his lips. His hands touched my chest as I held him tight to me and a green ocean dance in his eyes. He looked so innocent and still felt so innocent.  _I would be able to feel if this wasn't real. Right?_

I worked hard for days to hide my caution while I searched for tells. Anything that would elude to Sisky betraying me. There was no way he could hide anything from me in my own house. We are together 24-7. Until the day I walked past the upstairs guest bedroom. The one that Sisky had stayed in at the beginning of this visit. The visit that was supposed to come to an end. I noticed the bedding was untucked a bit at the bottom edge of the mattress. That bed has been properly made since the day he started sleeping in my room. It could be nothing and I figured I would just go and fix it. No harm in that right? As I ran my hand across the edge to smooth the bedding, I felt a hard cardboard edge sticking out from under the mattress. I began to dig out the tattered composition notebook thinking it could very well be mine. I'm not sure why I would leave it in that room. But I'm really searching for anything that will clear Sisky's name.  I had almost had it free when I heard his voice coming up the steps.   
   "Hey babe, Did we go through all of that milk already?" I scrambled to shove the notebook back where I found it and fix the bed. He went straight into our room without looking my way at all and I followed, startling him. "Jesus, don't do that. Anyways, I think we need some more milk." We both chorused that he should go into town himself. "I could use the fresh air. I'll grab the mail while I'm out there."  
   "Yea, I'm not feeling very well. Probably coming down with something." I coughed into my fist. "I'm just gonna lay down for a bit."   
   "Awwww." He rubbed my arm. "I will be back soon. Get some rest." He kissed my forehead and changed into a clean t-shirt. I watched as he pulled his pants up around his waist to hug his ass.  _That perfectly round tight ass. Until I prove otherwise, that is mine._  I grabbed his hips and pulled him back towards me. I pressed myself against him and kissed his neck. "I thought you weren't feeling good?" I could see the frustration on his face in the mirror. Not sure if it was sexual frustration or that I was about to ruin his plans. Then I remembered what I needed to do. I took a deep breath and let out a long gritty sigh.  
   "Ok. You're right. You should go. I lo..."  _I love him._  I love him but I stopped myself from saying it. I don't know why. Fear fell over me and my face flushed.  _What if it's true? What if Bren was right? What am I going to find in that notebook?_  

   I heard the door slam but I sat on the corner of my bed counting the loops in the carpet for a half hour. Sisky is good at not actually leaving and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be back anytime soon. I stepped out into the hallway and looked over the rail towards the front door, then down the hall at the bed in a room I had forgotten. I could've crawled back into bed and pretended that the notebook never existed. Instead, I floated down the hall and before I knew it, I was staring at that last used page. 

_Gold,_   
_Why won't you write me back? Please, I have done everything. All the things you said I couldn't. When I'm done, I will be back for you. I promise. I love you._   
_-Sisky_

I rip the sheets off the bed as the room warps around me. The mattress suddenly is twisted to the floor revealing more notebooks that I don't care to count. I shuffle through them crazed, only reading random words. Words that confirm all of my worst fears. I tear at the pages and shred them. The walls spin and close in on me until I find myself screaming in a ball on the floor, in a puddle of vomit.   
    There were unopened letters addressed to Gold but stamped RETURN TO SENDER. I open as many as I can bear to look at. Most of them begging for her to take him back. Some of them telling her of the wild information he's gotten from all of his interviews. Then, there were the ones that read things like, "I fucked him. Don't you want to fuck me now?",  "Fucking me will be like fucking Ryan Ross now." I am sick to my stomach.  _He was sick. He IS sick_. How did this happen? How did I fall for this lunatic? I loved him. I honestly, truly did but for him, it was all a lie. 

   I sit here on my couch with my legs crossed staring at my front door, waiting. My pinky ring clinking against my glass of whiskey. The silence is unbearable and I just want this to be over. I can feel my face is red, bloodshot, and tired but I wait. Then I hear the footsteps on my porch and watch my door handle turn. My door creeps open so tortuously yet when it's there, he's frozen, eyes fixed on the notebooks splayed across my coffee table in front of me and I know that he knows I know. I search for words in my whiskey as I speak,   
   "COME ON!" I yell through gritted teeth. I  feel him jump even though I can't bear to look at him. "Make it easy." My voice shakes as I  try to look at him through the pools in my eyes. "Say I never mattered." I clench my glass and wait.   
   "Ryan." He shakes his head mournfully as he drops the bags in his hands and runs to me. Tears pour from his eyes as he begs but his voice sounds so far away. "It's not what you think. I swear." He clings to me and pulls at my face desperately, pressing his forehead to mine. All I see is green staring back at me and it no longer does anything for me. I push my fingers up into the curls in the back of his head and tighten my grip when he starts to kiss me.   
   "Are you sure you wanna go there?" I whisper against his lips with fire. He catches his breath and sniffles in fear. "This is how you should have always stayed. That scared, weak, little stalker boy who meant nothing." I spat. I shove him to my floor and take a sip of my whiskey.   
    "Ryan, I'm sorry. I DO love you. I promise." He cried half-heartedly sitting up.   
   "You didn't love me, you only loved the idea of me and what I could get for you. GOLD." His eyes in shock. Maybe he thought I was bluffing before but now he knows. "Get the fuck out of MY house. You disgust me." I stand to my feet, never making eye contact, and retrieve his belongings that I packed in a not so irrational rage. Opening the door to show him out, I throw his things on my porch and I stand here. He brushes himself off and straightens his face knowing it is useless. He's lost. As he walks past me and out the door, I grab his arm and spin him into me and I crash into his lips one last time. "I don't love you, Adam and I don't want to see you ever again." He smiles madly knowing it's a lie. But it's the only lie I know. I go to my kitchen and I light my cigarette, staring out my tiny window over my sink. I take a drag and pick up my phone, pressing it to my ear. I dial and let it ring with another drag. The voice on the other end picks up and the smoke seeps from my lips with the word,

   "Clifton?"

**Author's Note:**

> I am new to AO3 so I welcome any feedback on using this site or fixing my rookie mistakes. Thanks.


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